I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
