yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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