I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
