theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
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In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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