I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Two words: blizzard sex
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
