did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
