I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
