ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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