i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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