You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
