She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
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We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
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She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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