I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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