Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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