she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
