I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
