I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How external is "for external use only"?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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