so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
