dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
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She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
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You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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