I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
