Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
