Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So much rum. So many feels.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
