u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
