Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
