i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Drunk is a universal language darling
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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