Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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