I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
