Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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