I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
