his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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