Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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