I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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