i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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