Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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