just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
