i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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