I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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