I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
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You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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