Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
