Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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