So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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