i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
