I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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