His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Randomize
