VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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