He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
