At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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