So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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