I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
