Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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