Who wears a wallet chain?!
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
