Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
