@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
