New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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