I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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