we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
